March 30, 2009

I don't know what my problem is.
I myself am even getting annoyed at the fact that I criticize myself to no end about the same stupid thing, over and over. Why do I even continue writing these things if they all just end up concluding the same aspect? I just love drowning myself in music and venting. For example:

I can't understand why one moment I'm so determined to get myself back on track and another moment I act as if I'm completely drained from feeling sorry for myself. Can it get any more pathetic than this?
Maybe I'm still lingering on the fact that I once had to do nothing to maintain my satisfaction. Whereas now, I allegedly have to work so hard to be happy with myself.
Honestly, I don't know what else to do. I need an extreme amount of motivation or something to make me wake up and stop complaining and DO SOMETHING.

I've possibly realized what it's all about:
I've always had this prolonged fear, a fear of becoming someone I hate; mentally as well as physically. I want to be pretty and healthy and in my right state of mind. Obviously I feel as though I'm nowhere near any of it. I want it all, I want everything to be how I planned it to be.
I feel absolutely selfish to have such an anxiety, though I guess everyone wants to be perfect. So maybe I'm just the first to actually admit to it?
What I'm trying to say is, I once strived to be all those things; to be healthy, to be in shape, to take good care of myself and how I feel and look. Now, it's like it's impossible for me to do so; I'm a quitter. I'm a quitter who just mopes around complaining about how I don't strive anymore.

I don't know how I'm going to turn out with all of this I'm bringing on myself.
I need some explicit advice and/or lecturing.
Anyone who wants to take the time out to help me with that, please come be my best friend.