February 12, 2010

I watched you sleep last night. When I couldn't sleep. I was reading for a long time so you were fast asleep. I gave you a kiss and you didn't crinkle your nose and lower your eyebrows like you always do when I try to kiss you as you sleep. I lie on my back and stared at the ceiling fan for maybe an hour; You know how I get a night. I thought a lot. Mostly about you. A little about everything. I'd close my eyes and try to fall asleep to dream of you but when I did I'd only see the darkness of the back of my eyelids. It was quiet so I listened to you breathe for a long time. I was unusually still, except for when you'd turn over. I even held your hand for a while as if we were standing upright together. I felt like you were holding my hand instead of me holding yours. I felt safe. I surprisingly fell asleep lying on my back, clutching your hand in an aimless attempt to sleep.

It made me realize how amazing you are. It made me remember how I fell for you when we were younger. How we used to contemplate our own theories about love and fate and question why I never thought about marriage. Even then I knew I'd marry you. I knew if I were ever to spend the rest of my days with anyone, it was to be with you. You were the only person to ever make me feel the way you made me feel. And so it still goes. With all the anguish I've been enduring for the past year, you've been my security. You've been my hero. You take me back to when I first fell in love with you. You remind me of everything good. Of everything love is considered to be.

You are, without a doubt, the only person I've honestly ever adored to an extent of madness. I'm in love with your allure, with your scent, with your family, with your honor, with your articulation; I'm in love with your entirety. And I will never be able to definitively construe that.

Remember the day you proposed to me? You were holding me. You kept kissing me. Talking to me about how much you cared for me. Comforting me as I was inconveniently sick, causing me to unintentionally ruin the attempt for your plans to fall through. That... That is what I live for. Our humanity. Our mistakes and our accomplishments. Our intimacy.
You and I.